DeKOi MaNiFEstO

Pet Peeve Alert - 4/13/2011

2011-04-13T23:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Facebook Users,
Please forgive me for saying that I see a huge spike in the whiny posters as of late. Now, saying this I understand I have been guilty at times due to alcohol, or extreme anger. Yet, it still gets on my last fucking nerve to see repetitive updates that are so similar from little emotional wrecks. It isn't that venting isn't allowed. Be a unique poster at least for goodness sake.

1)
Here's a shout-out to all those out there on inter-web land who post nonstop about how its the fault of an entire gender that you've made piss poor life choices. Guess what if you have to post this once or twice every few weeks, or days, ITS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!! The ownership of a penis or vagina isn't a good gauge of personality traits. What is a good gauge is how often you fucking whine about it on your social media site. My numb-nuts gauge for you all is hitting a 7.1 on the Richter scale. (too soon?)

2)
I know you are happy about the new lady and/or fella in your life. Feel free to post cool awesome stories about the silly stuff you two have done or talked about. DO NOT post how much you love one person every half hour for weeks, months, years & Eons. You make your love seem like an annoying subject to be dealt with rather than celebrated by friends and family. This holds true for your heart-broken sob marathon every few days when you two love birds have played rock-em sock-em robots with each others gentle emo teeny-bopper emotion innards. STFU

3)
If you have body slammed your way through 8 relationships in the past 6 months. Time to take a break and ask yourself what the hell your problem is. I am not saying the other person isn't a rabid asshat I am saying 8 asshats in a row might be a sign you should reevaluate your criteria, and increase your selectiveness beyond, "OMG he/she is not a troll, and he/she/it is agreeable to flirting with me." Get a grip stop it please. **this type usually is guilty of either 1 or 2, or both. **

4)
Anti-whatever assholes. If you do not choose to participate in any other religions, or beliefs available to the human race...do not participate. This also means pointing out the bad habits of a select few from a certain group makes you look like a douche bag. Muslims talking shit about Christians, and vice versa. Atheists talking shit about Christians, and vice versa. Republicans vs. Democrats. Pepsi vs. Coke. No one gives a shit about how you wanna turn the spotlight on the failings of others from another group. Hatred is hatred. Pointing the finger at the atrocities performed by people of a religion to prove your superior pushes your little ideal closer to hate-monger status as well. I hate political correctness, but i am a firm believer in if you "don't got nothing nice" to say close your gaping maw of a mouth or blog about it .

I guess the moral of this little story is if you are gonna piss and moan make it interestingly different than the thousands of dipshits faithfully spewing this gutter slop out of their genital nibblers. I would rather see "I hate my family because they all took dumps in the living room" rather than "FML :( ." See how engaging the first quote is???? Its because I'm classy and formerly guilty of a third of these.

Comment and Rate!

The State of Love Address

2011-02-13T21:12:00.000-05:00

After nearly 33 years of being an observer of the human condition, I have decided love is the shit. I went through my phase of detesting love & any signs of love others displayed. I went through the "Hey!! I love everything and everything is perfect" stage. I think the current stage is a happy middle ground. I am no longer delusional enough to hate love because of my lack of it, and I am the first to recognize loving everything is perfectly annoying.

I have to thank the people I do love for making this place tolerable and ridiculous. It has taught me that loving for the sake of the good times it brings is worth it. It might not make a shitty day into a great day, but it gives me something else to think about. It made me aware of how closed I was before in both getting and giving.

In the past, I think that I wasn't able to "do unto others..." as the golden rule states. Masses of folks out there think that by focusing on what they want to the exclusion of others feelings is the best way to live. It isn't because all it is doing is digging a nice hole to bury your lonesome withered carcass in after your body follows your emotional lead and gives up. I just got tired of being a cranky old man decades before I was a cranky old man.

I also grew tired of latching on to the first fluttery eyelash that was pointed in my direction. I have a set of perfectly good eyelashes ...so I don't need winsome ones at a bar. It is as if either you cling or push nowadays. No one walks that fine line between those extremes. Why not cling to the ones that matter, and push those that are just useless "white noise" away?

As I normally do I will provide a list of things I find helpful....advice if you care to know it.

Love unto others....- That's it just love people...not everyone, just the ones that inspire it in you. Don't expect it to come back just know that you showed it. That way your a step ahead of the rest.
Don't bash love- This is simple...When you bash love it makes you seem fucking childish. Especially a day later when you're bouncing off Facebook walls about how in love you are.
Love isn't a Life Map- Just because you love someone it isn't an "auto-pilot" button you can push to travel easily through life. Love even more than most things takes hard work. Anyone with a child knows this simple fact.
Love Happens- Just like Shit Happens. You can attempt put it on an eventual "to do..." list, but sometimes you just gotta dive in. It changes the playing field, but sometimes even if we are unaware changing the playing field is what you both need.
Love like it's the first time- Because it is each time is new, and different. Love even for those who have been there before is full of surprises.

There you go not to crazy, or necessarily comical, but it is how i feel today. Enjoy!

The Way Things Are....

2009-10-28T02:39:00.001-04:00

I heard someone say today, "You will become everything you are supposed to be." That struck a chord with me.

The past couple months have been weird for me. I reconnected with someone i thought i had lost. I cant say we are back to the way we were, but I didn't think she would speak to me again. I am estatic with the fact we can still build something from the rubble of the past. I just cant help but hope that it holds more possibilities than it appears right now.

I am focused on getting my life straightened out. I am planning clearing out my debt, getting fit & healthy, and if feasible, living on my own. Right now, my income pales in comparison to my potential bills. I figure i would need 20$/ hour jsut to make it. I dunno if my math is off or if im jsut screwed. I may need a roomie but its way too soon for that search. My debt I am trying to focus on getting my car paid off so it reduces my current weekly bills, so i can focus on the older bills. blah blah blah

I guess my thoughts now are concerned with pushing myself forward day to day...regardless of the distractions. Get reenrolled in school even though im afraid to fail again. Keep showing the love i have and the positive outlook i am focused on keeping even if its too tough for others to deal with right now. Keep looking for jobs to help me make it on my own even with a shitty economy and time restraints. Keep working out when self esteem isnt my friend at times. Keep remembering that sometimes life makes u detour through shit to get you where you need to be. Keep being emotionally open though its not what i do well.

You know thats why that saying struck a chord with me because it describes my state of mind, my focus right now......"You will become everything you are supposed to be."

Technology: Killing the lower class

2009-05-30T23:16:00.002-04:00

*BEWARE* Technology: Low Class Genocide

On my recent bout of job hunting I was shocked by something. On one hunting day i went to 7 places total.

Out of those 7 only two had 100% paper application process. There were four that had websites for potential applicants to apply thru and one had a combo website/paper application process. What in the fuck!

Okay say your down on your luck, or just out of a fucking job, and you do an hour or more of daily cleaning routine plus a few bells and whistles for the places your going. And you take your car low on gas to go around collecting. Keep in mind it is like 3 bucks for the cheap stuff right now. And you hustle ass around for an afternoon to be handed a little card with a web address on it from 75% of the places you go to. Then your car runs out of gas and you are forced to resort to burning the business cards for warmth while you try to figure out how to get home. Then as you are sitting there a pack of roving trust fund babies drive by you and toss beer cans at you extinguishing your fire, and staining your one good dress shirt with beer stains and even once it dries itll smell of alcohol.

Then you see a police car pull up much to your delight. Only you realize after a thorough body cavity search that A) you might be bisexual and B) the cops are there to question you. Apparently someone called about a fire on the side of a road, another person called about a weird man pacing around the neighborhood, and another reported a man pulled to the side of the road surrounded by dozens of beer cans . After you fail your field sobriety test because of an inner ear infection you ahvent gotten treated due to lack of insurance & money they cuff you and submit you to a breathalizer test which you also fail. Why? Because you were sitting on the side of the road for 8 hours and got thirsty and only had beer drippings from the cans the trustfund babies threw at you and a half empty bottle of peppermint mouthwash.

Then your hauled off to jail charged with numerous public intox charges, a sex offense since you took a piss unknowingly facing a kitchen window, and loitering offenses. One of the charges is a felony, the sex offense, and now your set up with a court date. Also your name is put into a sex offender registry. You are given a ride home by another inmate who is released at the same time. You are unknowingly robbed for your wallet & ID. The inmate then steals your identity and buys Sam's Clubs entire stock of ramen noodles and 12 dozen packs of immodium AD.

Once your home you decide to apply online you are asked if youve been convicted your reply is "Not Yet".

Your asked if you have reliable transportation you reply "NO" becasue your car was impounded and you dont have money.

Next question, Can we perform a background & credit check, "Please Don't!" .

And guess what you cant get the jobs. So you try to fix your situation and start mowing peoples grass in the nearby area of your neighborhood to get a few bucks. Unfortunately the neighborhood association has you flagged as a registered sex offender and every house you go to that guy from Datelines "To Catch A Predator" answers the door.

So you stop mowing lawns and come home to find rude grafitti sprayed all over your house. You look up in the sky and scream "WHY GOD WHY IS ALL THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" and God replies "Cuz Of The Internet & Blackberrys.' and then he(or she) adds "You should go check your answering machine"

You run inside and learn that much to your horror your entire family was massacred at a reunion the day you sat at the side of the road by a group of disgruntled Geek Squad Employees. Apparently they beat each persons brains out with a bat created out of spare computer parts and duct tape while chanting "TIME TO REFORMAT!!!"

Damn you technology!
Damn you!

This is just the beginning, soon we will all be forced to buy every shitty piece of technology just to make it. Blue ray DVDs, FiOs, cells, Ipods, High Speed internet, bluetooth, scrolling LED belt buckles, Alarm clocks that say your name, the list goes on. right this minute there are jobs that have been performed by the mentally disabled that now require an associates degree to even get an interview.

Ask yourself a very serious question.
How are the poor going to exsist in this world?

Now think to yourself if my story above is a nightmare or an increasingly realistic possibility.

Dinosaur & Jesus Conspiracy Reavealed

2009-05-30T23:02:00.000-04:00

You know what burns my chapped ass?

When people argue about jesus and dinosaurs! As if one negates the other. Oh the bible never mentioned dinosaurs they say....whatever neo-theologian douche bag. I know the truth. A truth that explains both and reveals why neither jesus nor the dinos roam the earth.

And the answer lies in the conspiracy of Pokemon.

Yeah Muthafucking pokemon!!!!

See, Jesus was going on a quest to save mankinds collective souls. But before he could finish the quest he had to (or "gotta") catch em all (and by em i mean dinaosaurs). Dinosaurs are actually Jesus' Pokemon. and jesus had a pikachu too but his pikachu fought not with electricity but the holy spirit. which everyone can agree works much like lightening but isnt as hot. unless its angry i guess.

anyway, remember that jesus goes from a young age to manhood with no chronicles of that inbetween time to be had. And i know the bible doesnt mention dinosaurs but give me a break they didnt list every damned animal noah collected it was a guide for life not a zoology text book!!! Besides jesus went on his quest and collected up an Ark-load of Holy-mon. Then he fought with evil jesus and his (pay attention) DE-Mons!!!! And the battle lasted the entire perios it took jesus to become a man until finally jesus won.

But sadly jesus was the only one left all his holy-mon were dead and so was evil jesus and his de-mons. Leaving only jesus to return back to his family become a carpenter and save our souls. thats how he learned the miracle of the loaves he had to feed thousands of hungry dinosaurs so feeding a few jewish people was easy.

But i digress, There were obviously few people who knew of this so it was passed down thru a very strict storytelling tradition, kinda like chicken george in the "Roots" Miniseries, and those who still currently are involved in the tradition are living in japan. Thats why Hiro from NBC's Heroes can bend space and time so he can collect all the "dinosaurs" and bring em back to fight Sylar cuz he is japanese. Anyway for further study look into Buddhism alot pokemon stuff in there and Jesus aka "Buddah" was fat cuz he ate a few duplicate pokemon he could spare. And they fought in the American continent hence all the great lakes and the mississippi river (that was a grove from jesus's pokemon knocking a de-mon across the continent like Goku in an episode of DBZ(see the japan relation).

Anyway next time when you bad mouth Pokemon remember that jesus gave his thousand begotten pokemon to save your souls. and thats why Jesus and Dinosaurs DO NOT contradict each other.

your welcome

Rules of Inducing Insanity

2009-05-30T22:56:00.001-04:00

aka The Intolerable Blandness of Beans

You ever find yourself quietly taking a numero 2 on the big porcelin phone whilst reading Anne rices vampire chronicles and realize you have been trying pick a name out for an imaginary duck you have trained to talk like a parrot? no? Oh Okay! how about this....

You ever been stuck trying to figure out if you should take a piss or masterbate for over 10 minutes? As if masterbating was of utmost importance and peeing was somethign you only did when you were alone in the house or in a gas station bathroom with a good lock and an issue of TV guide with the cast of greys anatomy on its cover. yeah i thought so..... i knew thatd do the trick

anyway, if either of these has happened to you ...then you very well may be my clone or doppleganger from an alternate dimension. So to help you out i give you The Dekoi Manifesto Rules of insanity inducement!

1. Smirk dont smile. smiling is what stupid people do. it takes more thought and cunning to smirk and it makes the mouth muscles smarter.

2. reference the same 3 things out of context. They can be any thing. My currents are hobos, the phrase "your welcome", and pimpin. so the next time somene asks how your doing just say "your welcome"

3. upon meeting someone give them 5 nicknames within the span of an hour. its confusing and it will make your butthole get tight as if you were going to a prison the day after you got the male version of a brazillian bikini wax. What I would call a Bro-zillian wax.

4.ask random questions in the middle of someones story. my latest "what happened to billy ocean?"

5. Always make conversations into something sexual. its not hard ...thats what she said!

6. Always be prepared for extremely intellectual conversations cuz after the crazy talk it will make you seem all the more crazy!

7. dont name your penis vagina or breasts or testicles ....name your taint!

8. cospicuously rub your nipples when talking seriously, rub your stomach when talking of fun stories

9. Start topics that confuse you like conversations about getting into clown college, or jumprope league rules, or what is a "sex life"

10. repeat repeat repeat-say something once funny, say something 3 times not funny, say something 82 more times HILARIOUS!!!!!

11. Plan your retirement- not finacially, just plan on who you wanna aggravate the hell out of for the next 70 years and start today!

12. When all else fails....your pretty much a fucking failure

anyone else got any ideas for The Dekoi Manifesto Rules of insanity inducement? lemme know

ice cream truck blues

2009-05-30T22:47:00.002-04:00

Ahhhh the wonderful feel of the suns warm glow on your skin!
the birds singing softly in the autumn breeze. everythings alright with life just at this moment! nothing can take this moment away from you.

BAM!

Here comes that ice cream truck for the 17th fucking time! all i can hear is "all around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel the monkey thought it was all in fun....POP goes the weasel!" for the millionth time in a week.

Now the birds arent singing, the sun feels to hot, i think i feel diaherrea coming on. Thanks icecream truck driver!

I now know where homeless people heaven is .....in the drivers seat of a striped rapist van with freezer chests in the back that plays the splatter shit inducing pop goes the weasel song. I think we should do something about the yellow and white striped menace. calm down im not saying you cant buy ice cream im too much of a fat ass for that idea.

No, we should ask to do a ride along with them...like cops do for prospective officers and junkies. then when the take a bathroom break, install our own music like toxic by britanny spears. shes kind thick now she can be the new michelin man for icecream.

or if thats too odd.
we could fire bomb the trucks like they do in the desert countries.

or we could spray paint "pedophile disguise" on the side of the ice cream truck.

or glue squirrel tails to the wheel wells to frighten children.

why are ice cream trucks now creepy vans? i noticed this a few years ago cuz i lived down the road from this house that had maybe 5 vans in the driveway and one by one they all got the striped paint job and plaques of ice cream prices on the side. The thing was i didnt know there was such a thing as a start up ice cream truck(van) business. i didnt know you were in business if you had money for a van, paint, and ice cream. i thought it was more difficult.

its relaxed rules likethis that lead to the Hamburglars escape.

we gotta make a stand

Mythical Army of The Apocalypse

2009-05-30T22:20:00.003-04:00

My Army For The Apocalypse Its no joke ...the world is ending. So, to be prepared i plan on assembling a large amount of soldiers for my army. Trust that you will be attacked by my army if your not in it. You might be asking yourself why my army will be so devastating. Because it will be. It will be made up of specialists. you might know these specialists they are mythic beasts! That's right MYTHICAL MUTHAFUCKIN BEASTS!!!!

First, I'd find and train Unicorns. These Unicorns will run up to random people and bite them on the cheeks. They will Be my first line of defense because they are innocent and people love unicorns. They will all be white with rainbow colored manes and glittering golden horns. they will be outfitted with stereos that play the "My Little Pony" theme song continuously 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And To make em vicious i'd prolly feed em a hay & crack mixture. Although i will make em wear horse versions of vans shoes. That way they can sneak up on people and bite their cheek off.

Next, Keeping close to the same line, I'd bring in hundreds of Pegasus (or Pegasi) and have trained Monkeys i plan on stealing from the Zoo ride them and pull Drive bys (or fly bys). Think of the terror that would fill your heart if its 2 am your chilling in your house and all of a sudden you hear FLAP FLAP FLAP and look out your window and you see a fucking Pegasus with a trained monkey sniper aiming at your house. You'd prolly shit your pants at which point the monkey will jump off the Pegasus and pick up your feces and throw it at you. and the Pegasus would urinate all over your precious garden & welcome mat.

Third, Garden Gnomes infected with the Werewolf Curse! once or twice a month they go out and eat the feet right off you. Literally no feet after an Insane Were-Gnome attack. Try stopping us on bloody gnome gnawed stumps. You'd lay there for hours and although the gnomes are violent once they change back to their pure gnome form they will use their hats as traffic cones to make sure you are hit by cars or scooters. Why? Cuz they want you to suffer. those sick little furry bastards.

And Then just to fuck with you......Pixies that fly in and bite your eyelids at night. Once you wake up your eyes are all swollen cuz nothing causes infection like a pixie bite. Their reward ? Meth!

Then after the first four waves, i bring in the human soldiers. Of course they will all be nerds, all well versed in specific types of Dungeons & Dragons skills. But i will train them in my own fighting style, Awkward-Fu.
Awkward-Fu is designed to gain advantage in battle thru awkward fighting moves that invoke varying degrees of pain. Some of the moves like, Biting the Enemies Cheeks, will be used by the first four waves.

Here a few other Awkward-Fu moves are explained:
The Snap WTF?- This is a kick move in which the fighter kicks a man in the "taint" Completely avoiding the balls & ass (or the vagina & ass). Causing severe disorientation.Minimal pain.

The Flying Fist of Retching- This is a fairly simple move in which the attacker punches the target in the throat. Not directly on the windpipe but either side of the neck. This attack will cause an instant *crick* in the neck, 9 outta 10 times it induces violent vomiting, and on rare occasions one of your eyes may fall out of the socket.

The Reverse Knee Sweep aka The Fold- This is just a modified leg sweep. You hit the target on the front of the knees which causes you to fall face down with your feet touching your waist as if you'd been folded like a thick Christmas sweater.

The Fonz Wedgie- Short and simple, Attacker rams his thumb in your butt causing severe discomfort and anal seepage. The signature shout upon attack is "Eeyyyyyyyyy!!!"

As you can see i have this all mapped out. and I'm taking over the zoo. That way i have someplace to keep all the damned unicorns and pegasi. That and fresh meat every night. I will update you on any new soldiers i decide like my army of vegetarian vampire bunnies, like Bunnicula. And my own invention Narcoleptic Pigasi, a flying pig that randomly fall from the sky smashing anything in the way like windshields and pinky toes.

Will You Join The Revolution??

Remember The Way

2009-05-28T01:28:00.004-04:00

So, I gotta tell you I take my life advice from a church billboard thats on the way going home.
I am not proud of it but it is what it is ...helpful. I would say its a clever billboard. Its probably a asshole and beats its billboard wife, but that doesn't mean its words aren't valid.

Currently it says "Remember The Way", I don't know what this means froma church or biblical point of view, but I realzied it could relate to many things with me (or anyone else for that matter). The week before that was "A Neighbor In Deed" ...not really helpful to me, but its good advice and somewhat pun-filled.

Anywhat, I decided to start remembering the way....

Remembering the way I loved doing new things.
Remembering the way I loved cuddling
Remembering the way I used to judge people on an individual basis
Remembering the way I didn't let lifes obstacles cause me to lose hope
Remembering the way I kept myself involved with peoples lives i cared for
Remembering the way I would laugh until I had a migraine
Remembering the way amazing conversations would just happen
Remembering the way I didn't let myself be confined by groups, or styles
Remembering the way I was heading in life (at various points in life)

The thing is everyone should "remember the way". I mean the only way I can make myself better is by doing just that. So take a minute and try it for yourself ... I gurantee you'll get a major boost in your confidence, or at least you might recall something you really loved doing that time and responsility made you forget.

And then follow one of the signs older life lessons, " Be Reconciled" it works.

Penance is emo baby

2009-05-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

If only for a minute i stood holding something precious. Like a vagabond holding his final meal without realizing it. I stood for a moment in awe before i let myself give in to the pressure and devoured it within moments. Now my stomach is empty and my heart is cold. I try not to think about you now, but it pulls itself to the top of my mind. The feeling as if the pit of your stomach is growing... its emptiness taking over.

Am I to be forgotten like that? Am i so easily removed from your mind?

Why is it that times of happiness seem so brief and unrest causes us to fear eternity? how sad is life if all you can do is let go an not hold on? Here I am holding on while feigning that i let go.

that happiness seems so far away...
but we were so close.

Looking Backward to Move Forward

2009-05-16T03:21:00.001-04:00

I find myself wondering why so many people go to great pains to abolish the past from their lives in an effort to move forwad? I have never really been this person. Some might even say this ahs limited me in certain respects, but I find that without my past experiences I would not be capable of becoming someone better. If I go about abolishing my past weaknesses and strengths, friends and foes, loves and losses, and my resentments and reconcilliations I lose a huge part of myself.

A few months back, as some may remember, I was desperately trying to remember who I was going to be. Trying to locate the magic answer to make me remember how to balance on lifes tightrope. I kept thinking of the future "me", the "resolution me". It is funny that the entire time I was looking forward trying to ignore the past I couldn't make any headway.
Then about 2-3 months in I started being drawn to people & places from my past. Almost as if I was being lead to the personality I had grown out of. I started needing the contact of my past friends. People who ahd known me for years rather than months, people who knew me for insights I had, not stupid drunken catch phrases. The more I did this (it was a subconscious thing too BTW) the more i remembered who I wanted to be, and realized how much I had missed the mark where i am now.

For the first time, I remembered who I was and being that person didnt bother me.
I remembered:
I have piss poor musical tastes, or just odd musical tastes.
I like new age-y stuff
I realized when i stopped liking certain things in relationships & finally why also !
I found poetry I couldn't write today for both feeling and vocabulary reasons
I found out why some things make me angry
ETC ETC ETC

Anyway, I didnt run from the past, I didnt ignore it, I let it hit me full force and piss me off make me sad, and ruin my personal view of myself currently. It was like I was superman from superman 3 when he fights his dark "dirty" kryptonite version of himself. I had set up so many rules to my life it is not surprising I wasnt living at all.

I was a poor reflection of what I thought i was, not of who I wanted to be. I have alot of random obstacles in the road on my way back to myself, but I am working on em. I mean I went dancing even one night...lol, i was horrid but it felt good. I have been trying to reestablish contact I should not have let go of. I even have my workout days.

Its as if im retracing my steps back to square one and beyond. Ive picked up some old habits that surprised me but nothing I can't handle.

I guess its like for the first time in years and years I am making an effort. It might not absolve me of past sins but it should prevent recurring future ones.
~DeKOi Fx

Life's A Drag: An Interview with Miss Della Licious

2009-04-24T02:35:00.012-04:00

Described by some (namely herself) as THE Entertainer, female illusionist Della Licious, has been performing for nearly 9 years in Indiana. Della was Indiana's first drag queen radio personality for HOT 107.9 FM. I had the opportunity to see Della's first show, and also get my face shoved into her bosom at least twice. I realized that to many people the life of being a female illusionist, or drag queen, might be a bit of a mystery.

I met Della way back.....this was back when we worked together, and my days were wrought with cleaning sequins up off the floor at work, because someone decided to make a headdress in the back room. Of course, there were also the endless hours of fun making fake tears out of Fabri-tack, and "catty-ness" contests. I also realized a bit too late play fighting with a drag queen was serious when i was thrown through a door on "accident". I thought I might ask a good friend some questions so that you too might come to know Della Licious.

DeKOi: So if I may be so bold, how old are you?

Della Licious: Though I am not celebrating my birthday from this year on... in November I will be acknowledging the 30th anniversary of me being clean of meth. And I have never done meth.

DeKOi: That's a good track record. You must have a good support network...lol. What types of titles have you held?

Della: I am a former Miss Gay Allen County, a former Miss After Dark, a former Miss Gay Indiana Show queen, a former Miss Gay Indiana University, and the current Miss Fort Wayne Gay Pridefest. I have travelled the country doing shows and have worked with the very famous and the never-gonna-be famous. I was Indiana's first drag queen radio personality.

DeKOi: What are the duties that go along with the titles?

Della: Duties that go along with most titles are to perform at functions/bars that own the title. Another duty is to be present to hand the title off to the next queen.

DeKOi: Do you cut ribbons at events? And if so do you get to keep the giant pair of scissors?

Della: I have actually never cut a ribbon. I haven't even cut an umbilical cord...and for that I am very thankful. I do wish that I had a giant pair of scissors, though. You know, to cut a bitch.

DeKOi: What piqued your interest in becoming a drag queen?

Della: I would always be approached at the bar and told that I had the perfect face for drag, especially if dressed as Divine. After a while, I began to believe it. Then my friend Chad (Paige Turner) asked me to be in his birthday show. On that day in June of 2001 a monster was born.

DeKOi: I remember that show. It was the first time I ever had someone buy me a drink in a bar. If i remember correctly she borrowed money from you to buy me that drink. So i guess I owe you. How long did it take you to decide that drag was a lifestyle you desired and not just a past time?

Della: Drag isn't exactly a lifestyle, well I don't think it is, but I can sniff out a queen at 20 paces. I knew that I loved the spotlight and have always been a ham so it fit my personality. I enjoy drag but I have no desire to become a woman. I have friends that have gone from silicone and hormones to the full transition, but that isn't for me. Firstly, I don't like needles.

DeKOi: So.... are you saying little pricks scare you?

Della: Little pricks are always scary. Take that as you will.

DeKOi: What type of work goes into "creating" a character? (costumes, routines,etc)

Della: I have taken days to get a mix memorized, or to get a costume designed. I have waited months for a full costume concept to come to completion. I also do a lot of practicing in my car. I have accidentally driven to Kendallville while focused on a Bette Midler tune. Otherwise it just comes to me.

DeKOi: How long did it take you to get your stage performance down?

Della: I don't generally rehearse. There are some shows where I figure that I will give a test run for a song, but if I have to think about a song that long, I know that I should save it for a big show anyways. I guess you could say that I fly by the seat of my panties.

DeKOi: Speaking of panties...Your a big & tall guy where do you get your costume pieces? Heels might be a bit hard to come by. Let alone a gown that fits someone who is tall.

Della: Most of my things are custom made. I sometimes find a few cute things at Catherine's Snout Shop or Layme Giant, but I like to have gowns and costumes that actually fit me. Jumbo petite is rather difficult to come by these days. And a woman's heel in size 14 or 15 is not something that is carried at your local Payless.
I actually want to have a costume company for the large lady/ladyboi and I would call it DellaWear.

DeKOi: Where do you get stage names from?

Della: Names can come from your first pet and street where you grew up (making me Si Willow Grove, which doesn't work), finding the feminine version of your name (Brandy doesn't have quite a ring to it), or get together with friends. I was originally Della Katessen, but I found out shortly afterwards that there was a very famous queen with the same name. That is when I dropped the Katessen in favor of the Licious, which was developed by Leslie Ryan.

DeKOi: What is a fairy drag mother exactly?

Della: Well, a fairy drag mother makes me think of a pumpkin and a shoe.

DeKOi: Okay, a drag mother I guess the fairy drag mother would fit better with a Cinderfella story.

Della: A drag mother is in essence the person that took a blossoming queen and showed her all the tricks of the trade, or at least enough to get started. I don't really believe in that kind of hierarchy, opting instead for a sisterhood. I guess I would have daughters if my ovaries hadn't dried up.

DeKOi: Who are your influences when it comes to performing?

Della: I am influenced by other queens or illusionists as well as singers and dancers. When I am in a show I like to think that I emulate all of my idols, both drag and otherwise, at all times. I have seen a lot of shows in my life and try to take ideas where I can make them my own instead of taking another person's routine and copying it down to the smallest nuance.

DeKOi: When it comes to other aspects of your life who do you draw inspiration from?

Della: Both of my grandmothers have been a huge influence on me. Their razor-sharp wit has been passed down to me, and I thank them for that. My mother has taught me that it's okay to be who you are. My father taught me that even a staunch conservative can be accepting. I guess I could just as easily have said that my entire family is great and that their support has greatly influenced me to be what I want to be. Other influences come not only what I love (Aretha, Tina, Bette, Liza, Judy, etc.) but also what I don't. I am influenced not to follow in some people's footsteps because I don't want to end up in their situation.

DeKOi: What was is the best story you've experienced while in drag?

Della: I was in Muncie at a diner after doing a show for the Indiana AIDS Fund and I saw this guy come in to the diner. As I sat there and our eyes locked, I knew that he was going to make me his girlfriend. But not in a good way.His name was "Pork chop" or "Chop" for short. He weighed about 700 pounds and had on denim bib overalls. And he wanted to take a picture of me. And then he wanted to do a mini photo shoot with me. I have never seen so many hillbilly whip out their phones so quickly.

DeKOi: They whipped out their what??? Oh phones...sorry I was expecting a different ending. So what's the worst experience?

Della: I was at the now defunct "Broadripple" doing a New Year's Eve remote for the radio. As I was packing up to take my party elsewhere, a guy walked up and called me a faggot before punching me in the gut. I picked him up by his collar and told him to run. He did. But I have been threatened like that a few times. I guess it's a good thing that I am almost 7 foot tall in heels and hair.

DeKOi: Wow! That would be intimidating for anyone. Hopefully the guy learned his lesson quickly. Aside from the perils of drunken assholes, and bigots. What other advice would you give anyone interested in performing?

Della: Pay attention. Shut up and watch what the other performers do. Learn new makeup tricks. You must never stop learning. And learn your history. We cannot get where we are going if we don't know where we've been. And don't do drag for the money.

DeKOi: What connection do drag queens have with drag kings?

Della: We both bend our gender, pack away what defines our natural gender, and deal with hair. The main difference is that queens take their facial hair off where the kings apply it.

DeKOi: It seems drag kings don't get quite as much publicity as drag queens. Is this true? and why don't we hear as much about drag kings?

Della: Kings have still not gotten the acceptance that the queens have overall, and that's sad because I have worked with so many incredible kings over the years. Though the effort is the same, the preparation is different. I think queens are more accepted and publicized generally, because there is much more of a history of men dressing as women, even dating back to Shakespearian times.

The makeup can be quite amazing on queens as well, which makes for a larger publicity platform. I guess my drag king brothers are more of a cult thing, but I see that changing as time goes by.

DeKOi: What misconceptions does the average person have about drag performing (or performers)?

Della: Not all performers want to be another gender. Most of them just like to entertain.Not all performers are thieves.Not all performers live from show to show.Not all performers have no other means. I know many performers who make a great living and do shows on the side.Not all performers are drug addicts.Very few performers are sexual deviants.Not all performers (and none I know of) enjoy wearing undergarments that are not for their gender.

DeKOi: How long do you see yourself doing drag?

Della: I will do drag until the time that I don't want to do it anymore. Unfortunately, I still love it and have a great time on the stage.

DeKOi: I don't know if they make walkers with sequins. I am sure its an untapped market for the geriatric performers out there. *insert image of Dame Edna Edwards or Bea Arthur* This is completely off topic but I have always wondered this...whats the obsession with Golden Girls? Bea Arthur in particular? Don't get me wrong I love me some Sophia. I just wondered.

Della: I actually got to meet Bea in Florida a few years ago. You really haven't lived until you have had vodka in the green room of a theater in Melbourne, Florida, with Maude. I think I identify with her characters and her sense of humor. That, and she is a big ole lesbian, so we have the homosexual angle in common as well.

DeKOi: Any current music faves?

Della: I am kinda gaga over Lady Gaga (but the more I see her songs performed I want to gag-gag). I like Missy Elliot, but she hasn't come out with anything new in a while. Rhianna is great, but majorly overdone. I like the classics like Patti, Aretha, Dionne, Bette, Barbara, Liza, and Judy. Mary J. is amazing but is so hit and miss these days.

DeKOi: Whats coming up for you in the future?

Della: I will be doing a lot of traveling this year. I hope to make it out to Las Vegas to work with a friend of mine before going back to perform in Southern California. I want to get down to Florida to work with some friends of mine down there. I think that in the next few years I will be doing many more shows and I hope to be a national title holder (Miss Gay USofA At Large, for instance) and will also be doing more benefits.
I recently had a one woman show titled "Della Licious: A Legend In my Own Mind" that went over well. During that show I actually sang for two and a half hours with piano accompaniment by my friend Mark Sampson. I modeled it after Bea Arthur's one woman show, actually. To get more info on that, keyword search me on the Journal Gazette's website. ( http://www.journalgazette.net/ )

DeKOi: Where can fans contact you at?

Della: DellaLiciousFW@aol.com is great, but I check my MySpace more often: myspace.com/missdella

The Fat Trap

2009-04-12T23:49:00.004-04:00

I recently came across a question posed in a message board about weight loss. In it the poster talked of a significant weight loss (100+ pounds), and noticed that much of his identity was wrapped in his body size. He was always the funny fat guy. After his weight loss he is struggling to find himself. The replies to his story agreed whole-heartedly, and also produced another interesting problem. Many people spoke of losing friends after losing large amounts of weight. This got me thinking about the changes many of us work to achieve in life. I think that this loss of identity, and change in relationships is an under explored area for people trying to make major positive changes. It may also be a hidden road block on our path to success.

I have tons of life changes I am attempting currently, from weight loss to smoking cessation. The past few months I find myself wondering why I always make the big plans only to quit before any head way is made. I have always been a big guy, both in height and weight, and I noticed an apprehension about making healthy choices. I would day dream about all the positive attention I would get from people if I "got thin". The problem always arose (in my mind) that if i were approached by people from my past who found me desirable post weight loss I couldn't respect them. It always made me hope I could achieve weight loss after being in a solid relationship. That way I would know that person cared for me regardless.

The fact remains is that to varying degrees we all realize that there is comfort in our discomfort, though it may be totally unhealthy for us. I had a coworker tell me they wouldn't be able to attract "chub-chasers" if they lost weight, and also a fear that they had no clue who they would be able to attract if they became thin. I have met people who have the same fear only they want to gain curves to attract people. These are all weight issues...true. Yet, this fear comes along with any life change. I have been struggling to figure out how to be social without alcohol. I find making plans is tough with friends who could also labelled drinking buddies. I went out just the other night to a bar, and drank non-alcoholic beer and energy drinks. I was anxious, and even contemplated drinking to get back into the social "groove". I avoided it thankfully, but that fear of who am I without this "thing" nagged me for the entire night.

The other side of this problem is friends, family, and those you associate with treating you differently. If your not the funny fat guy (or gal) anymore what happens? If your not the wild, crazy drinking buddy anymore what happens? If you make changes in your life for positive reasons will those people still be there for you? Your focus on changing habits, or patterns will change the things you do, how you do them, and how you react to the same old situations. There is no gurantees what those changes will have aside from improving your quality of life. It seems as though making these changes rips you from your own life, and then plunges you into a new life that is alien and uncharted. Sometimes its the demon that you know that is preferable to the demon you don't know.

Like I said earlier I have been dealing with this topic alot personally. I have questions running through my mind constantly. If I recreate myself into a urban Adonis will i lose friends? If i stop drinking will people avoid me if they still drink? If I change will those that doubted me find renewed faith in the person I tell tehm I want to be? Or What if I do all these things and I feel completely healthy and yet totally miserable? It's all a crap shoot.

My main thought is this...When we make changes in our lives, in ourselves, we are reinventing who we are, and what other people experience when around us. Hopefully when we change we have made strong enough connections with others. So that we can strengthen those relationships, and bonds. Also hopefully, we learn to love the new parts of us we have taken the time and care to create. Thus increasing the bond and relationship we have with ourselves.

So have you experienced loss of identity due to life changes?

Have you had people treat you differently (positive, or negatively) after you made a life change?

What are your thoughts?

~DeKOi~